A cat and mouse game

This week's "Cat Tales" seeks to dispel stereotypes about its namesake by explaining that, while its heroic protagonist may go by the name "Cat," she is not renowned for her skills in combating the wicked mice that invade her home in the name of terrorism. While I certainly appreciate the subject matter and the restraint our hero shows in not describing in detail her naked body, I must admit some disappointment in the story. The dialogue, I regret to say, seems out of place.

Sure, no "Cat Tales" is complete when it is not peppered with its trademark capped-at-five-words quotes. But as I read this week's, I can't help but visualize it as a 1950s-style cartoon, classical music playing in the background and characters running around in a panic expressing their thoughts not through words but through exaggerated facial expressions and wacky sound effects. For the purposes of keeping our cartoon G-rated, let us picture Cat herself as an anthropomorphic cat whose nudity does not offend the eyes. Her German friend will become a German shepherd, and laws of 1950s cartoon stereotypes dictate that she must be wearing a spiky World War I war helmet. Phyllis and Debbie will by Siamese cats because I can't be bothered to tell them apart, and because Harry is an actual cat and thus has no place in this anthropomorphic universe, he will be replaced with a robotic cat designed to catch mice.

We start with anthropomorphic cat lazing on her bed (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas) when she decides to take a shower. As she walks toward the shower, a mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. Cat's eyes bug out of her head as she lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Cat-shaped dust in her wake. She then leaps to the bed and wraps herself in all the covers as she sits there quaking with fear. The mouse, for his part, remains vigilant, marching around the bed and cutting off all escape. Suddenly, a light bulb appears over Cat's head and, thinking quick, she leaps to the ceiling and climbs across it, the mouse oblivious below her, until she reaches a broom. Wielding the broom, she drops to the ground and whacks the mouse, golf-style, out a nearby window. Cat stands triumphant, but as the mouse pokes his head up over the window sill, it becomes clear that he has not yet begun to fight.

We cut to days later as Cat watches TV with her friend Phyllis (all they are doing is laughing -- no dialogue) when the mouse makes his reappearance, vengeance in his eyes. Phyllis jumps into Cat's arms, Scooby-Doo style, but Cat calmly reaches for the broom and winds up to swing it at the mouse. As she does, however, the mouse pulls a chainsaw out of Hammerspace and dices the broom to bits! Cat and Phyllis both give cartoon "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!"s and run for the bedroom, mouse in hot pursuit, and slam the door. They wipe their brows with relief as the mouse pounds on the door briefly before falling silent. We then switch to the mouse's perspective as he looks down the hall and spies an axe (there for no apparent reason and likely unnecessary because of the mouse's use of Hammerspace, but no matter). Cat peeks under the door to see the move slowly dragging the axe toward it, an evil grin on his face, with the blade glinting in the indoor light as all sharp objects do in cartoons. Panicking, Cat leaps away from the door, but Phyllis has a solution as she picks up the phone.

Debbie answers the phone and listens to Phyllis' unheard-by-us complaints. Thinking quickly, she picks up a nearby magazine and turns to a page advertising the ACME ROBOT-RATCATCHER, then dials the number contained thereupon. Back at Cat's house, the mouse has succeeded in hacking through the door, and pokes his head through menacingly in a reference to "The Shining." As he enters the room, Cat and Phyllis hug each other tight and prepare for the end, but the Acme Robo-Ratcatcher darts in, heroic music a-playing, and stands in the way of the mouse. The mouse swings the axe, but upon contact with the Robo-Ratcatcher's titanium frame, it shatters into tiny pieces. The Robo-Ratcatcher roars at the mouse, which runs away screaming. Cat and Phyllis jump for joy -- the mouse is gone for good.

Later, we see the Robo-Ratcatcher lazing on its metal bed at home (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas, in the background) when it decides to take a shower. As it walks toward the shower, a robotic mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. The Robo-Ratcatcher's metallic eyes bug out of its head as it lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" (identical to Cat's) and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Robo-Ratcatcher-shaped dust in her wake.

Isn't that much better?