My shadow and I had the chance to critique this week's column together. She can take this lesson back to middle school:
How to write one long, tortuous commercial for the Olive Garden.
Five mentions, last time I checked.
It's like Cast Away and FedEx, only worse.
We also discussed the quote lede, which should be used sparingly, or saved for such jems: "Hey Phyllis, where do you want to go for your birthday dinner?"
Priceless.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Thursday, April 19, 2007
A cat and mouse game
This week's "Cat Tales" seeks to dispel stereotypes about its namesake by explaining that, while its heroic protagonist may go by the name "Cat," she is not renowned for her skills in combating the wicked mice that invade her home in the name of terrorism. While I certainly appreciate the subject matter and the restraint our hero shows in not describing in detail her naked body, I must admit some disappointment in the story. The dialogue, I regret to say, seems out of place.
Sure, no "Cat Tales" is complete when it is not peppered with its trademark capped-at-five-words quotes. But as I read this week's, I can't help but visualize it as a 1950s-style cartoon, classical music playing in the background and characters running around in a panic expressing their thoughts not through words but through exaggerated facial expressions and wacky sound effects. For the purposes of keeping our cartoon G-rated, let us picture Cat herself as an anthropomorphic cat whose nudity does not offend the eyes. Her German friend will become a German shepherd, and laws of 1950s cartoon stereotypes dictate that she must be wearing a spiky World War I war helmet. Phyllis and Debbie will by Siamese cats because I can't be bothered to tell them apart, and because Harry is an actual cat and thus has no place in this anthropomorphic universe, he will be replaced with a robotic cat designed to catch mice.
We start with anthropomorphic cat lazing on her bed (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas) when she decides to take a shower. As she walks toward the shower, a mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. Cat's eyes bug out of her head as she lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Cat-shaped dust in her wake. She then leaps to the bed and wraps herself in all the covers as she sits there quaking with fear. The mouse, for his part, remains vigilant, marching around the bed and cutting off all escape. Suddenly, a light bulb appears over Cat's head and, thinking quick, she leaps to the ceiling and climbs across it, the mouse oblivious below her, until she reaches a broom. Wielding the broom, she drops to the ground and whacks the mouse, golf-style, out a nearby window. Cat stands triumphant, but as the mouse pokes his head up over the window sill, it becomes clear that he has not yet begun to fight.
We cut to days later as Cat watches TV with her friend Phyllis (all they are doing is laughing -- no dialogue) when the mouse makes his reappearance, vengeance in his eyes. Phyllis jumps into Cat's arms, Scooby-Doo style, but Cat calmly reaches for the broom and winds up to swing it at the mouse. As she does, however, the mouse pulls a chainsaw out of Hammerspace and dices the broom to bits! Cat and Phyllis both give cartoon "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!"s and run for the bedroom, mouse in hot pursuit, and slam the door. They wipe their brows with relief as the mouse pounds on the door briefly before falling silent. We then switch to the mouse's perspective as he looks down the hall and spies an axe (there for no apparent reason and likely unnecessary because of the mouse's use of Hammerspace, but no matter). Cat peeks under the door to see the move slowly dragging the axe toward it, an evil grin on his face, with the blade glinting in the indoor light as all sharp objects do in cartoons. Panicking, Cat leaps away from the door, but Phyllis has a solution as she picks up the phone.
Debbie answers the phone and listens to Phyllis' unheard-by-us complaints. Thinking quickly, she picks up a nearby magazine and turns to a page advertising the ACME ROBOT-RATCATCHER, then dials the number contained thereupon. Back at Cat's house, the mouse has succeeded in hacking through the door, and pokes his head through menacingly in a reference to "The Shining." As he enters the room, Cat and Phyllis hug each other tight and prepare for the end, but the Acme Robo-Ratcatcher darts in, heroic music a-playing, and stands in the way of the mouse. The mouse swings the axe, but upon contact with the Robo-Ratcatcher's titanium frame, it shatters into tiny pieces. The Robo-Ratcatcher roars at the mouse, which runs away screaming. Cat and Phyllis jump for joy -- the mouse is gone for good.
Later, we see the Robo-Ratcatcher lazing on its metal bed at home (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas, in the background) when it decides to take a shower. As it walks toward the shower, a robotic mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. The Robo-Ratcatcher's metallic eyes bug out of its head as it lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" (identical to Cat's) and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Robo-Ratcatcher-shaped dust in her wake.
Isn't that much better?
Sure, no "Cat Tales" is complete when it is not peppered with its trademark capped-at-five-words quotes. But as I read this week's, I can't help but visualize it as a 1950s-style cartoon, classical music playing in the background and characters running around in a panic expressing their thoughts not through words but through exaggerated facial expressions and wacky sound effects. For the purposes of keeping our cartoon G-rated, let us picture Cat herself as an anthropomorphic cat whose nudity does not offend the eyes. Her German friend will become a German shepherd, and laws of 1950s cartoon stereotypes dictate that she must be wearing a spiky World War I war helmet. Phyllis and Debbie will by Siamese cats because I can't be bothered to tell them apart, and because Harry is an actual cat and thus has no place in this anthropomorphic universe, he will be replaced with a robotic cat designed to catch mice.
We start with anthropomorphic cat lazing on her bed (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas) when she decides to take a shower. As she walks toward the shower, a mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. Cat's eyes bug out of her head as she lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Cat-shaped dust in her wake. She then leaps to the bed and wraps herself in all the covers as she sits there quaking with fear. The mouse, for his part, remains vigilant, marching around the bed and cutting off all escape. Suddenly, a light bulb appears over Cat's head and, thinking quick, she leaps to the ceiling and climbs across it, the mouse oblivious below her, until she reaches a broom. Wielding the broom, she drops to the ground and whacks the mouse, golf-style, out a nearby window. Cat stands triumphant, but as the mouse pokes his head up over the window sill, it becomes clear that he has not yet begun to fight.
We cut to days later as Cat watches TV with her friend Phyllis (all they are doing is laughing -- no dialogue) when the mouse makes his reappearance, vengeance in his eyes. Phyllis jumps into Cat's arms, Scooby-Doo style, but Cat calmly reaches for the broom and winds up to swing it at the mouse. As she does, however, the mouse pulls a chainsaw out of Hammerspace and dices the broom to bits! Cat and Phyllis both give cartoon "AAAAAIIIIIEEEEEEE!"s and run for the bedroom, mouse in hot pursuit, and slam the door. They wipe their brows with relief as the mouse pounds on the door briefly before falling silent. We then switch to the mouse's perspective as he looks down the hall and spies an axe (there for no apparent reason and likely unnecessary because of the mouse's use of Hammerspace, but no matter). Cat peeks under the door to see the move slowly dragging the axe toward it, an evil grin on his face, with the blade glinting in the indoor light as all sharp objects do in cartoons. Panicking, Cat leaps away from the door, but Phyllis has a solution as she picks up the phone.
Debbie answers the phone and listens to Phyllis' unheard-by-us complaints. Thinking quickly, she picks up a nearby magazine and turns to a page advertising the ACME ROBOT-RATCATCHER, then dials the number contained thereupon. Back at Cat's house, the mouse has succeeded in hacking through the door, and pokes his head through menacingly in a reference to "The Shining." As he enters the room, Cat and Phyllis hug each other tight and prepare for the end, but the Acme Robo-Ratcatcher darts in, heroic music a-playing, and stands in the way of the mouse. The mouse swings the axe, but upon contact with the Robo-Ratcatcher's titanium frame, it shatters into tiny pieces. The Robo-Ratcatcher roars at the mouse, which runs away screaming. Cat and Phyllis jump for joy -- the mouse is gone for good.
Later, we see the Robo-Ratcatcher lazing on its metal bed at home (slow-paced "lazy" music, with lots of tubas, in the background) when it decides to take a shower. As it walks toward the shower, a robotic mouse appears and leaps up to head level to make a scary face. The Robo-Ratcatcher's metallic eyes bug out of its head as it lets out an exaggerated "AAAAIIIIIEEEEEE!" (identical to Cat's) and darts off in the opposite direction, leaving a cloud of Robo-Ratcatcher-shaped dust in her wake.
Isn't that much better?
it seems already our Wogan
has found herself on her stomach for the second time in her life.
this cannot be good.
Watching a movie, I made the mistake of lying flat on my stomach and raising my feet up over my back. All at once my legs went limp and I thought I would pass out.
this cannot be good.
Watching a movie, I made the mistake of lying flat on my stomach and raising my feet up over my back. All at once my legs went limp and I thought I would pass out.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Porky:
Should he get custody of Raqueal, Heather and Allen Wogan junior, or not.
Points to consider:
The estranged mother obviously did not contact the tooth fairy about Raquel's recent tooth loss -- unless the 7-year-old half niece or whatever is playing the room like a fiddle.
Discuss.
Points to consider:
The estranged mother obviously did not contact the tooth fairy about Raquel's recent tooth loss -- unless the 7-year-old half niece or whatever is playing the room like a fiddle.
Discuss.
INTRIIIIIIIIIGED
Just when you thought the quote lede was dead, Cat Tales triumphs with what she does best in this week's column:
Already we have a complicated relative talking. Tell me more, tell me more.
I feel like this blog will just be me pasting portions of the text, clapping my hands and making the face. Sometimes additional words are not needed. Perhaps the Wogan cannot be parodied.
I toyed with the idea of posting all WoganSpeak in Red Letters, similar to the way that Jesus' words are red in the New Testament. As soon as I had that thought, though, I was struck twice by lightening. Since we are relying so much on the weather to finish our home improvement projects, I'll let someone else here make that administrative decision.
"Big Mammaw, I lost a tooth," my 7-year-old great-niece Raqueal told my mother, who is her great-grandmother.
Already we have a complicated relative talking. Tell me more, tell me more.
I was a couple of hours behind the arrival of Raqueal, Heather and Allen Wogan III, who we call Minnie Me.
Every other Friday night, my nephew, also an Allen who has been given the nickname Porky, gets his three children for the weekend.
Generally, my mother picks up the children on her way home from work since Porky does not get home until about an hour later.
I feel like this blog will just be me pasting portions of the text, clapping my hands and making the face. Sometimes additional words are not needed. Perhaps the Wogan cannot be parodied.
I toyed with the idea of posting all WoganSpeak in Red Letters, similar to the way that Jesus' words are red in the New Testament. As soon as I had that thought, though, I was struck twice by lightening. Since we are relying so much on the weather to finish our home improvement projects, I'll let someone else here make that administrative decision.
Thursday, April 5, 2007
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
